I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
