dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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