Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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