Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
