Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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