I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I understand Curling. That high.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize