smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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