am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
