there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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