you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He passed out mid-signature
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
