I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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