Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
