My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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