Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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