Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
