My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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