Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
