2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
