Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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