Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
