Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
