all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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