Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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