Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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