K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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