1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
