she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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