I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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