i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
