Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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