pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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