i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
