Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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