I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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