It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you will always have a special place in my vag
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
