apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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