I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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