i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
