I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
