I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize