If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
