and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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