There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
