So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
