Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
