My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
