dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
