just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
