I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
