I could make wine with my vomit
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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