im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Boobs speak an international language.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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