i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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