He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
