I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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