dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
