I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize