I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
