trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
