My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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