No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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