The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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