There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
