chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
