No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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