It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
