Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
