I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
