if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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