Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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