I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
foreskin is a definite game changer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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