after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
