the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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