she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
