ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
