my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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