Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize