you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
